every so often....
May. 19th, 2013 06:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boogieshoes... my libido decides to jump into the atmosphere. and then i get sad and lonely and at least mildly depressed because i can barely remember the last time i had a sexual experience that wasn't with my right hand, let alone a boyfriend.
to be sure, what i'd like out of a life-partner includes much more on the hugs side, and the understanding that when i'm twitchy and anxious and it's hard for me to let people touch me, i still need hugs, i'm just having issues with my issues. but i'm old, not dead, and my libido comments every so often as well.
and poor Buck Wilmington. such a sweet, innocent character... who tends to get ranted at when i'm having these libidinous-and-depressed-about-it episodes. i can't help it. he chases girls... and i never get chased, so it comes out in frustrated resentment:
"No," Boogie said flatly, watching the pretty woman - taller than her, model skinny, and whom Buck had said was some kind of forensics wiz, and then promptly asked her how to approach. Boogie thought that what hurt the most was that the only thing that separated the two of them was their looks. "I know I'm such a fat ugly freak that it's a bloody miracle I've ever gotten laid at all, and it'll probably signal the beginning of Armageddon if I ever manage to acquire another boyfriend, but I don't have to help you twist the knife in my gut."
By the time Buck had finished processing what she had said, she had slipped through the crowd to the bar, paid her bill to Inez, and disappeared through the bar's door.
"Dammit!" There had been a lot of pain and frustration in her voice, years of it, and Buck hated the thought he might have been the cause of any of it. He rushed to the door, cursing the crowd, which suddenly seemed intent on blocking him. He cursed again as he scanned the parking lot, but came up blank. He knew he was just the catalyst tonight, but no one should have to endure that kind of pain.
~~end ficlet~~
possibly, i'm a whiner. it certainly feels that way to me, sometimes, especially when i know there are things i could do - like actually going to places to meet people. but i always feel like i've got a million things to do, and don't have time to date. really, i've only got myself to blame, because if i actually bothered to prioritize the dating thing, i'd get more hits....
but then there's the part where i struggle with the absolute worst thing people could say to me, which isn't 'no' - but 'yes'. i know how to deal with 'no'. 'yes' scares the ever-loving sh*t out of me, though.
and thus we come to the conclusion that i'm just a wee bit fucked up....
-bs, mildly frustrated with herself, but at least able to talk about it
to be sure, what i'd like out of a life-partner includes much more on the hugs side, and the understanding that when i'm twitchy and anxious and it's hard for me to let people touch me, i still need hugs, i'm just having issues with my issues. but i'm old, not dead, and my libido comments every so often as well.
and poor Buck Wilmington. such a sweet, innocent character... who tends to get ranted at when i'm having these libidinous-and-depressed-about-it episodes. i can't help it. he chases girls... and i never get chased, so it comes out in frustrated resentment:
"No," Boogie said flatly, watching the pretty woman - taller than her, model skinny, and whom Buck had said was some kind of forensics wiz, and then promptly asked her how to approach. Boogie thought that what hurt the most was that the only thing that separated the two of them was their looks. "I know I'm such a fat ugly freak that it's a bloody miracle I've ever gotten laid at all, and it'll probably signal the beginning of Armageddon if I ever manage to acquire another boyfriend, but I don't have to help you twist the knife in my gut."
By the time Buck had finished processing what she had said, she had slipped through the crowd to the bar, paid her bill to Inez, and disappeared through the bar's door.
"Dammit!" There had been a lot of pain and frustration in her voice, years of it, and Buck hated the thought he might have been the cause of any of it. He rushed to the door, cursing the crowd, which suddenly seemed intent on blocking him. He cursed again as he scanned the parking lot, but came up blank. He knew he was just the catalyst tonight, but no one should have to endure that kind of pain.
~~end ficlet~~
possibly, i'm a whiner. it certainly feels that way to me, sometimes, especially when i know there are things i could do - like actually going to places to meet people. but i always feel like i've got a million things to do, and don't have time to date. really, i've only got myself to blame, because if i actually bothered to prioritize the dating thing, i'd get more hits....
but then there's the part where i struggle with the absolute worst thing people could say to me, which isn't 'no' - but 'yes'. i know how to deal with 'no'. 'yes' scares the ever-loving sh*t out of me, though.
and thus we come to the conclusion that i'm just a wee bit fucked up....
-bs, mildly frustrated with herself, but at least able to talk about it
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-05-20 07:16 pm (UTC)i had said that i would never meet anyone special, cuz i also didn't *go* anywhere, and i hung with the same group of friends. i was so down on myself one night, that i signed up for a free online dating site. yowsa!
i met one guy from it, and he was the epitome of a weirdo.
so i deleted everything after a while, again frustrated with myself and my lack of being able to find someone, and frustrated that i thought i had to.
so then, i thought about it long and hard, and i decided to try match.com. i'll tell you, the fact that it's not free i think deters a lot of the weirdos (at least of the caliber that i found on the free site).
i had gone through the whole "i don't want to do this, it feels like i'm trying to sell myself," to the "yeah, this will be a romantic story to tell people someday", but i actually found some good people on there. and i say good, as in good-hearted, not as in a good selection. i like that it tries to match you with peeps based on interests and such, and then you can chat with them anonymously (kind of) before you decide to meet. i decided to meet this one guy at starbucks after work one night. three hours later and a kiss in the rain, and we're still together.
and one of the reasons i tried match.com, is that i saw a LJ friend post about it, and it got me curious enough to explore it. she ended up marrying the guy she met on there. i don't know if i'm there yet myself though.
i abhor gambling, and as such leave nothing to chance... like hoping to meet someone at a bar or by some miracle, bump into them somewhere random.
"yes" scares the ever-loving shit out of me as well, and if you asked me five, even ten years ago, if i would ever date anyone longer than a year, i'd have told you no way in hell. then it happened.
and don't worry hun, we're *all* a wee bit fucked up.
:)
no subject
Date: 2013-05-20 09:50 pm (UTC)i should find that out... although i don't know who i'd ask!
*hugs* thanks, winks7985, it means a lot to me that you replied. (not because i don't think people are reading, but there's a lot of 'but i can't really say anything that will help, can i?' lurkers on the internets.
-bs
no subject
Date: 2013-05-20 10:12 pm (UTC)And if I remember correctly, there is a way to hide your profile from being seen while not actually deactivating it. That would let you look around to see if it was for you.
I hid mine initially because I was like OMGIMFREAKEDOUT! But I ended up "unhiding" it a lot sooner than I thought. And I think there's a trial period for it too, that wasn't very expensive. Of course, prices could have changed by now.
And if match isn't a site you dig so much, I've known people to have success with other sites, like eharmony.
And if neither of them are your thing, maybe it'll inspire another idea for you that will surprise you.
(Big hugs)
:)