every so often....
May. 19th, 2013 06:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boogieshoes... my libido decides to jump into the atmosphere. and then i get sad and lonely and at least mildly depressed because i can barely remember the last time i had a sexual experience that wasn't with my right hand, let alone a boyfriend.
to be sure, what i'd like out of a life-partner includes much more on the hugs side, and the understanding that when i'm twitchy and anxious and it's hard for me to let people touch me, i still need hugs, i'm just having issues with my issues. but i'm old, not dead, and my libido comments every so often as well.
and poor Buck Wilmington. such a sweet, innocent character... who tends to get ranted at when i'm having these libidinous-and-depressed-about-it episodes. i can't help it. he chases girls... and i never get chased, so it comes out in frustrated resentment:
"No," Boogie said flatly, watching the pretty woman - taller than her, model skinny, and whom Buck had said was some kind of forensics wiz, and then promptly asked her how to approach. Boogie thought that what hurt the most was that the only thing that separated the two of them was their looks. "I know I'm such a fat ugly freak that it's a bloody miracle I've ever gotten laid at all, and it'll probably signal the beginning of Armageddon if I ever manage to acquire another boyfriend, but I don't have to help you twist the knife in my gut."
By the time Buck had finished processing what she had said, she had slipped through the crowd to the bar, paid her bill to Inez, and disappeared through the bar's door.
"Dammit!" There had been a lot of pain and frustration in her voice, years of it, and Buck hated the thought he might have been the cause of any of it. He rushed to the door, cursing the crowd, which suddenly seemed intent on blocking him. He cursed again as he scanned the parking lot, but came up blank. He knew he was just the catalyst tonight, but no one should have to endure that kind of pain.
~~end ficlet~~
possibly, i'm a whiner. it certainly feels that way to me, sometimes, especially when i know there are things i could do - like actually going to places to meet people. but i always feel like i've got a million things to do, and don't have time to date. really, i've only got myself to blame, because if i actually bothered to prioritize the dating thing, i'd get more hits....
but then there's the part where i struggle with the absolute worst thing people could say to me, which isn't 'no' - but 'yes'. i know how to deal with 'no'. 'yes' scares the ever-loving sh*t out of me, though.
and thus we come to the conclusion that i'm just a wee bit fucked up....
-bs, mildly frustrated with herself, but at least able to talk about it
to be sure, what i'd like out of a life-partner includes much more on the hugs side, and the understanding that when i'm twitchy and anxious and it's hard for me to let people touch me, i still need hugs, i'm just having issues with my issues. but i'm old, not dead, and my libido comments every so often as well.
and poor Buck Wilmington. such a sweet, innocent character... who tends to get ranted at when i'm having these libidinous-and-depressed-about-it episodes. i can't help it. he chases girls... and i never get chased, so it comes out in frustrated resentment:
"No," Boogie said flatly, watching the pretty woman - taller than her, model skinny, and whom Buck had said was some kind of forensics wiz, and then promptly asked her how to approach. Boogie thought that what hurt the most was that the only thing that separated the two of them was their looks. "I know I'm such a fat ugly freak that it's a bloody miracle I've ever gotten laid at all, and it'll probably signal the beginning of Armageddon if I ever manage to acquire another boyfriend, but I don't have to help you twist the knife in my gut."
By the time Buck had finished processing what she had said, she had slipped through the crowd to the bar, paid her bill to Inez, and disappeared through the bar's door.
"Dammit!" There had been a lot of pain and frustration in her voice, years of it, and Buck hated the thought he might have been the cause of any of it. He rushed to the door, cursing the crowd, which suddenly seemed intent on blocking him. He cursed again as he scanned the parking lot, but came up blank. He knew he was just the catalyst tonight, but no one should have to endure that kind of pain.
~~end ficlet~~
possibly, i'm a whiner. it certainly feels that way to me, sometimes, especially when i know there are things i could do - like actually going to places to meet people. but i always feel like i've got a million things to do, and don't have time to date. really, i've only got myself to blame, because if i actually bothered to prioritize the dating thing, i'd get more hits....
but then there's the part where i struggle with the absolute worst thing people could say to me, which isn't 'no' - but 'yes'. i know how to deal with 'no'. 'yes' scares the ever-loving sh*t out of me, though.
and thus we come to the conclusion that i'm just a wee bit fucked up....
-bs, mildly frustrated with herself, but at least able to talk about it
