you lost that loving feeling...

[boogieshoes]

well, last night, our seneschal called me and told me the barony decided to re-arrange the heraldry office so i was no longer the official herald.  i haven't been putting in enough face-time.  i feel like i should be upset about this, but i'm mostly relieved - i've been sliding into depression lately, and being sick w/sinus crap for what seems like forever has just drained me.  it's been really hard to get out and visit, and the more i don't go out, the harder it is to *get* out.  but if i'm relieved over this lessening of pressure, why do i feel like bawling like a baby?

i hate feeling like this, all splintery and barely held together inside.  i called the employee assistance program at work on tuesday, though, and i'm going to get help: a psychiatrist check-up to check on my medications, and probably a talk-therapist to help me through some issues.  i kinda feel like a failure, having to get help, and i'm also relieved i'm going to get help - don't have to shoulder this alone anymore.  but my parents' attitude has well and truly infiltrated my hindbrain, and it tells me i really should be able to take care of this on my own.

blah.

i will be going to bordermarch melees, and also the barony christmas revel.  i will do it, because i need to start getting in touch with people again, no matter how awkward and strained it makes me feel.  somehow, i have to re-connect and start re-establishing some kind of social/ support network again.  i'm not sure why i fell apart on this, but it's definately having an effect.

but i'm feeling all weepy inside, so i need to stop before i start bawling at work.

-bs

Comments

[spartanwerewolf.livejournal.com]

I hug you *hugs tight* very tightly, so's you know you're not alone. I know the splintery feeling you mean. *hugs a bit tighter*

[boogieshoes.livejournal.com]

::hugs tight::

thanks. good friends always help.

-bs

[falcongirl.livejournal.com]

Did you swap out your lights when the season changed? It could be messing with you.

I'm sorry you feel icky. :(
-T

[boogieshoes.livejournal.com]

i don't think it's the lights, because this 'slide' has been going on six months or more. it's just taken me this long to get to a point where i realize i need to have someone holding my hand for a bit while i pull my life back together.

i'm not always in touch with my feelings/ internal state of being, so it's not really surprising it took this long to figure out things were headed downhill.

-bs

[karieflybabe.livejournal.com]

::Huggles you tightly::

I so get all of that. You aren't the only one finally stepping out and getting help. I pray that it helps!

[boogieshoes.livejournal.com]

::hug back:: well, at least it didn't take me nearly 20 yrs this time, she says wrily. that's a step up. and i'm getting help before i completely bollix things up, like happened with my MS degree - that was painful.

so i just need to wait until i get a call back from the EAP lady who's figuring out who i can see when, and i think i can hang on till my appointments. i got friends, i know, it's just a matter of allowing myself to reach out to them.

-bs

[soldiergrrrl.livejournal.com]

For me, I get convinced that everyone has *got* to get tired of hearing about how much I think I suck. I mean, I know my friends love me, but how often can I call and wibble at them before they decide I'm *way* too high-maintainence? So, I strap on my government-issued happy face and go on, until I just lose it.

[boogieshoes.livejournal.com]

i do that, too. i think it's pretty common. you pull back for a while because you think you're leaning too much on your friends and feel guilty for it, and then you get in a rut. well, i do, anyway. i start isolating myself and then it gets harder to reach out because i start thinking that other people don't give a crap. and i don't want to 'bother' them. and that urge not to be a bother can get so strong it's almost impossible for me to overcome it.

it's a cycle that feeds itself: i don't want to bother people, so i feel isolated, and then i feel like people don't give a crap, so i *really* don't want to bother them with what they'll see as annoying behavior...

i need a drink. :-p

::pours virtual margaritas:: want one?

-bs

[karieflybabe.livejournal.com]

::Snags a glass:: I can so use that right now.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

::poke::

Bother me.

::poke poke::

Seriously, bother me. Or I'll keep bothering you.

::poke ;) ::

[sarjanya.livejournal.com]

Well that's a bum deal! I'm sorry to hear about the herald stuff, although I know you have had such a hard time making stuff. I'll e-mail you and talk more.

BIG HUGS,
E.

[boogieshoes.livejournal.com]

::hugs tight:: part of that was sinus and headache yuckies, but a large part of it is that it's difficult for me to head down into the city all the time - the more so since work went to 9hrs/day M-Th - it's just a long day for me.

-bs

[sarjanya.livejournal.com]

Did you get my messages about Saturday? We would love to have you out -- you can get the house, get some fresh air, talk to some nice people. *grin*

[boogieshoes.livejournal.com]

i got your message and appreciate it :-) but my parents are coming in this weekend, so no can do. ::hugs more::

today, i'm finishing re-organizing my closets... heh

-bs

[boogieshoes.livejournal.com]

::hugs tight::

i'm going to screen your reply because this is a public post, ok? i totally appreciate you giving me your phone number (though i'm much better at email, hate the phone, eek!), but i don't want random strangers reading this and calling you. that would be yucky, and this is a very wonderful, generous, loving offer.

oh, darn... i'm getting all weepy again! ::sniffles and hides behind your cotehardie::

-bs

[soldiergrrrl.livejournal.com]

Sounds good. And email is better, 'cause I hate the phone too. (Yeah, someone in Public Affairs who is horribly shy...I'm such a dork.)

Seriously though, I live with my phone (it's email capable!) within arms reach.

Even at night I have my phone by the bed, and if you ever need to call, I will do my best to answer. And I will stay up with you until you feel like all the pieces will be there in the morning. (Email at night is a little trickier, since I tend to not hear the soft little chirpy noises my phone makes for email.)

:-)

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

[gillyp.livejournal.com]

I suffer from a clinical depression too though I'm currently on my way up from a 3 year funk, not the other way around so my heart goes out to you.

Not much I can do at this distance 'cept offer virtual hugs hon. Do take care, though.

Re: I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

[boogieshoes.livejournal.com]

hugs are *always* acceptable. ::hugs:: thank you.


-bs

[luke-jaywalker.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

I know how it is. Keep going and take care.

::hugs again::