you lost that loving feeling...

[boogieshoes]

well, last night, our seneschal called me and told me the barony decided to re-arrange the heraldry office so i was no longer the official herald.  i haven't been putting in enough face-time.  i feel like i should be upset about this, but i'm mostly relieved - i've been sliding into depression lately, and being sick w/sinus crap for what seems like forever has just drained me.  it's been really hard to get out and visit, and the more i don't go out, the harder it is to *get* out.  but if i'm relieved over this lessening of pressure, why do i feel like bawling like a baby?

i hate feeling like this, all splintery and barely held together inside.  i called the employee assistance program at work on tuesday, though, and i'm going to get help: a psychiatrist check-up to check on my medications, and probably a talk-therapist to help me through some issues.  i kinda feel like a failure, having to get help, and i'm also relieved i'm going to get help - don't have to shoulder this alone anymore.  but my parents' attitude has well and truly infiltrated my hindbrain, and it tells me i really should be able to take care of this on my own.

blah.

i will be going to bordermarch melees, and also the barony christmas revel.  i will do it, because i need to start getting in touch with people again, no matter how awkward and strained it makes me feel.  somehow, i have to re-connect and start re-establishing some kind of social/ support network again.  i'm not sure why i fell apart on this, but it's definately having an effect.

but i'm feeling all weepy inside, so i need to stop before i start bawling at work.

-bs

Comments

[spartanwerewolf.livejournal.com]

I hug you *hugs tight* very tightly, so's you know you're not alone. I know the splintery feeling you mean. *hugs a bit tighter*

[falcongirl.livejournal.com]

Did you swap out your lights when the season changed? It could be messing with you.

I'm sorry you feel icky. :(
-T

[karieflybabe.livejournal.com]

::Huggles you tightly::

I so get all of that. You aren't the only one finally stepping out and getting help. I pray that it helps!

[sarjanya.livejournal.com]

Well that's a bum deal! I'm sorry to hear about the herald stuff, although I know you have had such a hard time making stuff. I'll e-mail you and talk more.

BIG HUGS,
E.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

[gillyp.livejournal.com]

I suffer from a clinical depression too though I'm currently on my way up from a 3 year funk, not the other way around so my heart goes out to you.

Not much I can do at this distance 'cept offer virtual hugs hon. Do take care, though.

[luke-jaywalker.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

I know how it is. Keep going and take care.

::hugs again::