boogieshoes: (fresian)
[personal profile] boogieshoes
i just wanted to post that i'm feeling much better today.  still a little emotionally wobbly, but not the panicky hopelessness of yesterday.  i think posting about it on lj really helped, and not just because i got friends here. :)

one of the defining characteristics of depression is a tendency to keep it inside... and it is true that sharing can really help.

i also thank God and Goddess that i've got a medication that works for me.  I can't imagine trying to cope without an effective medication.  and those folks who have to, have all my admiration and support.  it's *hard*.

but in a way, being medicated influenced a lot of what's been happening.  when you've been able to reach a 'normal', a place where it's comparitively easy to ignore the depression devil and keep spirits up, the prospect of a serious downturn/ depressive episode is absolutely *terrifying*.  to go from feeling! and color! to flat grey unresponsive dullness.... it's horrible.  and i'd been feeling like i was sliding inevitably downward into this well of hell, with no handholds and no way to stop, much less climb back out.  having been in that hell, had to cope without medication and help (because, depression), i know just how awful it is.  i don't want to go back there.  i love living, and i don't want to go back to a place where every waking thought is dominated by the desperate prayer for death.  it's horrible place to be, and it's more than just being not able to smile, or just being unable to taste anything.  it's like all input, from the color of the trees to the wind on your skin, is constant pain.  it's the closest thing to the Christian Hell i can imagine, because your own body is betraying you in the worst way possible.

and that's why i love my medication, and don't ever want to go off it, and why this hit me so hard.  i *love* to live.  i *want* to live.

i'm going to stop now - the 'emotionally wobbly' bit of today is telling me i'm going to start crying if i keep dwelling on it, and as i said, i'm really feeling much better.  and i'm going to try to keep the momentum going and gain a little height...

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