haven't posted for a bit
Jun. 21st, 2015 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boogieshoesi haven't posted for a while. i think i need to re-dl semagic, because i can't find it. but anyway, the real thing is, i've been kind of exhausted for the past week or so, and i'm not sure why. probably a little burn out at work, coupled with roommate being dramatic at home, coupled with ennervating heat. maybe coupled with a concerted effort to stick more closely to the LCHF diet than i've done up to this point. i'm not sure. the point is, i'm tired, and it's really easy to get depressed when i'm tired.
or rather i should say, it's really easy to let the depression get the best of me when i'm tired. and it makes me sigh. and wonder if i'm really worth anything to anybody, etc etc, insert cliches that became cliches because they're so very true here. i hate depression because whenever i'm tired, i don't just 'get tired', it's like the 'negative messages' tape gets turned on full blast. it's always there, but usually in the background. then i get tired for whatever reason, and suddenly, the messages are loud, and even if part of me thinks it's stupid, the other part is pretty sure those bad tapes... are correct. i hate that. i hate that i can't seem to root out and pitch the tape. and i hate that it's so ready to ambush me at the worst times.
and i hate that sometimes going on vacation is a source of anxiety - will anyone talk to me? will they even notice me? of course they do, but still... it's so much harder to *go* on vacation than *be* on vacation, because my brain insists on worrying that nobody cares and i'll be ignored, especially when i'm feeling the very human need to connect to people.
and this is getting more whiney than i was going to be, sigh, which i also hate - that i sound whiney even to myself when i complain about depression.
it's just... i'm tired, and need a break. (from the depression - i'm not in a place where i need help. i am in a place where i'm frustrated with my own issues, and projecting myself into the Escorts AU is even more frustrating, because as a client, it'd be like 'dude, i just want to go hang out with someone, and is it not the saddest thing i have to *hire* a friend to do that?!' and sadly, or perhaps just fucked-up-ed-ly, i want more Escorts stories because i love them. even though they tend to hit my 'i'm completely pathetic button' along with a lot of my kink buttons. i'm so weird.)
-boogieshoes
or rather i should say, it's really easy to let the depression get the best of me when i'm tired. and it makes me sigh. and wonder if i'm really worth anything to anybody, etc etc, insert cliches that became cliches because they're so very true here. i hate depression because whenever i'm tired, i don't just 'get tired', it's like the 'negative messages' tape gets turned on full blast. it's always there, but usually in the background. then i get tired for whatever reason, and suddenly, the messages are loud, and even if part of me thinks it's stupid, the other part is pretty sure those bad tapes... are correct. i hate that. i hate that i can't seem to root out and pitch the tape. and i hate that it's so ready to ambush me at the worst times.
and i hate that sometimes going on vacation is a source of anxiety - will anyone talk to me? will they even notice me? of course they do, but still... it's so much harder to *go* on vacation than *be* on vacation, because my brain insists on worrying that nobody cares and i'll be ignored, especially when i'm feeling the very human need to connect to people.
and this is getting more whiney than i was going to be, sigh, which i also hate - that i sound whiney even to myself when i complain about depression.
it's just... i'm tired, and need a break. (from the depression - i'm not in a place where i need help. i am in a place where i'm frustrated with my own issues, and projecting myself into the Escorts AU is even more frustrating, because as a client, it'd be like 'dude, i just want to go hang out with someone, and is it not the saddest thing i have to *hire* a friend to do that?!' and sadly, or perhaps just fucked-up-ed-ly, i want more Escorts stories because i love them. even though they tend to hit my 'i'm completely pathetic button' along with a lot of my kink buttons. i'm so weird.)
-boogieshoes
