boogieshoes | (no subject) (Reply)

there are days....  so i just went to talk a coworker (P) who came in
after being sick for a day and a half.  i mentioned that we have two
all-hands meetings scheduled within a week of each other, and that a
third co-worker, S, had gotten my paranoia all going because he swears
that extra meeting is going to be bad news.

P says he thinks they're going to announce (something rather positive
that i don't want to discuss on a public journal).  and i grin, and
say thanks, because i'm wired to be a bit negatively anxious, which
is, of course, why i'm on Paxil.

and then this conversation ensues:

P: What's that (Paxil)?
me: it's an anti-anxiety/anti-depression drug.
P: Why are taking it?
me: in my case, it's a literal chemical issue in the brain. Paxil is a seratonin re-uptake inhibitor; it really helps my chemicals be balanced.
P: but you're taking it because...?
me: oh, i'm clinically depressed/ have clinical anxiety. i kind of need it.
P: if you're depressed, that needs a high-powered help.
me: oh, i've been to therapy and stuff. and yeah, some people take it just for temporary help to help them get over some kind of emotional trauma. but for me it's a brain chemical thing, and i love it.
P: no, i mean *Higher Power* help.
me: ah...
P: well, what was it like before you started taking it?
me: it was all gray and i could barely get up in the morning.
P: wow... how long have you been like this?
me: well, i think it - the depression - hit me at puberty, and i was unmedicated for a *lot* of years. the difference is just amazing when i'm on it.
P: wow, that's... wow. (he really is sincerely impressed at those two answers, i'm not sure he expected them.)
P: what's your email?
me: *gives email* (1)
P: i'm gonna send you something, you may already know it or whatever, but it could really help.
me: *smiles, because it's really kind of sweet that he wants to help*
P: it's just, it really helps to have a Higher Power on your side to fight that, so you're not alone with it every day.
me: *nods* yeah. i'm religious - not Christian, but religious.
P: what religion are you?
me: i'm Wiccan. it's a dual-Deity system, so i believe in a God, but also a Goddess. you know how the Japanese and the Chinese are into a kind of yin-yang system? there's an awful lot of that in Wicca.
P: well, have you ever read the Bible? (this is said curiously, not hostilely)
me: i was brought up Lutheran Missouri Synod
P: but have you read the Bible, I mean, picked it up and read it.
me: oh yeah, Lutherans believe you can interpret the Word of God by yourself, you don't need a priest to do it - which is why they split with the Catholic church.
P: Where did you start reading it? What did you read first?
me: The Gospels.
P: which are...?
me: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
P: good, good - that's how you're supposed to read it. Gospels first, then go back to everything else.
me: yeah, i've been through Catechism and the whole nine yards. pissed off our pastor asking if animals had souls - Missouri Synod's rather conservative. the only Synod more conservative is the Wisconsin Synod.
P: Well, you may find there's a lot of denominations and groups in Christianity...
me: yeah *grins*. in fact, when my parents went to Texas, we learned the Texan Synod was really progressive. i nearly staggered when they told me they had a female pastor down there - Missouri Synod would *never* have allowed that! of course, Mom staggered when the Lutheran Council decided we could share Communion with Catholics - cause Lutherans were brought up that Catholics weren't really Christians of course. 'They're all idolaters!' was the line. i never really believed it cause i had a lot of friends who were Catholic - came from French families or whatever, and i was thinking 'yeah, no, don't see no horns on their foreheads...'
P: *chuckles* but the thing you really got to believe is that there's One God. and if you Pray to Him, sincerely, He'll answer, He'll let you know. you gotta be sure your religion is the right one.

we parted at this point, P needed to add a bit more medication to his stuffed up nose, and i needed to go back and do some more DB development. and you know, i never really get mad at sincere Christians who speak like this, particularly if they're being polite and not-overbearing about it. it's hard to get mad at people who are ordered to be Fishers of Men (ie, convert others) when they politely practice. (easier if they're being assholes about it, but P wasn't).

BUT. talk about frustrating. i know P will never believe my religious experience is valid, which is why i didn't tell him that i believe God *has* spoken to me in the past and told me my path is the correct path for me. and i *also* know P will never believe that clinical depression is a valid, on-going, till-i-die problem that is helped with Paxil, which must be a problematic drug, prescription or not, because it's targeted to 'helping' people who 'really' need 'more religion/God in their life'.

i like P, which is why i'm bitching here and not at work where it might get back to him. but gaah. able-ist and... Christian-ist? mentality for the lose.

(1) i was half-afraid P was going to send me a brochure on connecting to Jesus Christ to fight depression or something, but fortunately, I was wrong. P, being an engineer, was looking at whole-body-balance approaches and sent me an article in support of same, mentioning some products the writers believed to be helpful. i think the article is worth cross-checking and checking out, but it's one of those things where even if the article authors are unbiased (which i'm not sure about - first impression was that they were selling something), it still might not apply to my own situation. but at least it's not promoting 'feel better through the power of prayer!'