boogieshoes: (fresian)
i just wanted to post that i'm feeling much better today.  still a little emotionally wobbly, but not the panicky hopelessness of yesterday.  i think posting about it on lj really helped, and not just because i got friends here. :)

one of the defining characteristics of depression is a tendency to keep it inside... and it is true that sharing can really help.

possibly triggering material here (but no cuss words) )

and that's why i love my medication, and don't ever want to go off it, and why this hit me so hard.  i *love* to live.  i *want* to live.

i'm going to stop now - the 'emotionally wobbly' bit of today is telling me i'm going to start crying if i keep dwelling on it, and as i said, i'm really feeling much better.  and i'm going to try to keep the momentum going and gain a little height...

-boogieshoes
boogieshoes: (fresian)
i've been having a rough time lately, and the depression-devil on my shoulder has been especially loud.

I always hear the worst. 'Let's simplify it' means 'It completely sucks and is useless'.



"It's a 3-day drive" means "you aren't worth my concern"



"We didn't even know you left site" means "Despite the fact that you were packing in plain sight, too sick to stand at one point, and drove off with your truck, you're not important enough for us to pay attention to. And you made us do extra work, so now we hate you."



"Buck up" means "you're just whining, you don't have any real troubles, so what are you complaining about?"



"You got yourself into this…" means "you're too worthless to help, even when you've asked."



"you know you shouldn't take the permanent way out" means "you deserve to suffer every bit that you do. You don’t suffer enough, and you’re so ungrateful about it."



Even with the dog

She turns her butt to me, and she's *saying* "you're my mother and I trust you", but I *hear* "there's more interesting stuff over here. You're not worth my time."



I’ve been so… dragged out and mentally exhausted lately. And I know a good part of what I’m feeling is the depression taking advantage of my lack of energy, because i've been physically sick for a month and am just now getting over it.

But it feels like every time I try to reach out for help, I’ve been getting slapped back, lately. It’s beginning to make me wonder why I reach out to other people at all.

And to be fair, I should probably be more explicit – I feel like I’m drowning here, and I need help, and all my support system lives in Timbuktoo! And also to be fair, I’ve got a lovely online friend who’s doing and saying exactly the right things right now, and it helps a lot….



But guess what I’m *hearing*? Because depression sucks.
*FUCK* depression.

-boogieshoes
boogieshoes: (fresian)
i haven't posted for a while.  i think i need to re-dl semagic, because i can't find it.  but anyway,  the real thing is, i've been kind of exhausted for the past week or so, and i'm not sure why.  probably a little burn out at work, coupled with roommate being dramatic at home, coupled with ennervating heat.  maybe coupled with a concerted effort to stick more closely to the LCHF diet than i've done up to this point.  i'm not sure.  the point is, i'm tired, and it's really easy to get depressed when i'm tired.

or rather i should say, it's really easy to let the depression get the best of me when i'm tired.  and it makes me sigh.  and wonder if i'm really worth anything to anybody, etc etc, insert cliches that became cliches because they're so very true here.  i hate depression because whenever i'm tired, i don't just 'get tired', it's like the 'negative messages' tape gets turned on full blast.  it's always there, but usually in the background.  then i get tired for whatever reason, and suddenly, the messages are loud, and even if part of me thinks it's stupid, the other part is pretty sure those bad tapes... are correct.  i hate that.  i hate that i can't seem to root out and pitch the tape.  and i hate that it's so ready to ambush me at the worst times.

and i hate that sometimes going on vacation is a source of anxiety - will anyone talk to me?  will they even notice me?  of course they do, but still...  it's so much harder to *go* on vacation than *be* on vacation, because my brain insists on worrying that nobody cares and i'll be ignored, especially when i'm feeling the very human need to connect to people.

and this is getting more whiney than i was going to be, sigh, which i also hate - that i sound whiney even to myself when i complain about depression.

it's just... i'm tired, and need a break.  (from the depression - i'm not in a place where i need help.  i am in a place where i'm frustrated with my own issues, and projecting myself into the Escorts AU is even more frustrating, because as a client, it'd be like 'dude, i just want to go hang out with someone, and is it not the saddest thing i have to *hire* a friend to do that?!'  and sadly, or perhaps just fucked-up-ed-ly, i want more Escorts stories because i love them.  even though they tend to hit my 'i'm completely pathetic button' along with a lot of my kink buttons.  i'm so weird.)

-boogieshoes
boogieshoes: (fresian)
The To-Do List is undergoing a lot of changes from the 2013 version, mostly based on lessons learned, and with a goal to keeping better track of all the things I *really* do, which don’t always get put on the list.  The better I know how much I actually do, the less I feel like a slacker when things on this list don’t get done.


the house that boogie built )


Rosemary's Garden... )



SCA where my heart lies )


Mmmm, counted embroidery )


This is not the canon you're looking for... )


Now serving customer #1 )


I shall have my health )



BS the Carpenter )


GREED IS GOOD )

-bs, busy as a bee

ETA1: 22 Mar, first major update
boogieshoes: (in_trouble_now)
Sorry I'm a bit late on this; had the kind of week last week I'd've rather have left behind. At any rate, link to the poll about whether or not interruptions were rude.

Now, I'm going to explain the context. As I'd said in the previous post, the context of the poll was supposed to be a casual conversation, and at no time did any kind of emergency happen.

the conversation that did happen... )

-boogieshoes
boogieshoes: (Default)
last week my mother was in the house, and while she was here, she challenged me to turn 'wheat' into 'bread' via wordladder (ie, changing only one letter at a time).

"i want to see what you come up with," she said.

i came up with a website. *grin*

-bs, snarky
boogieshoes: (justaworm)
ok, so i'm partially trying this poll thing out, and partially really curious.  for the question below, assume the context is a casual conversation, with no emergencies in the offing.  i don't want to influence anyone's answers prematurely, so i'll post my own answer in a few days to a week.

also, if you choose to comment anonymously for whatever reason, sign your post in some manner, even 'anonymous 1', so a conversation thread can be followed.


[Poll #1981794][Poll #1981794]


-bs, curious
boogieshoes: (Default)
Good-bye, Robin, I’ll miss you.

Mr. Williams’s death reminds me of the Great UnDone Project I’m always putting off, which I really shouldn’t. See, I have this project to thank every actor, actress, writer, and singer which I have read/ watched/ listened to and been heavily influenced by for their work.

Robin doesn’t come close to topping the list.

That honor belongs to Richard Dean Anderson, in his character of MacGyver. One of the challenges of being a military brat is that the military parent is often away. You can go days without seeing him or her – but it’s more common to go months or years without seeing them, contact being only through letters, phone calls, and audio/ visual tapes. In a lot of ways, MacGyver was my male parent figure through my formative years. The character taught me it was ok to be a geek, it was ok to love books, math, and science, and that science was cool. He made me want to be a hero and led me to believe that a background in science and technology was the best path to that. That inspiration is in large part responsible for where I am today, and I’ve never regretted it. I still want to be MacGyver when I grow up, and I still use the character to model a lot of my behavior and philosophies: Honor and honesty, kindness and the joys of creation, respect everyone and protect those in need, including the Earth and Her Bounties, while reaching for the stars and never quitting. And of course, fish for fishing – which is to say, have a hobby you do just to do it. Mine happens to be cross-stitching/ embroidery.

Robin’s not the last on the list, either. I’m not sure exactly where he is, but his performances in Dead Poets Society, The Bird Cage, and Good Morning, Vietnam have also had a large influence on me. His death reminds me I have been remiss in sending my thank you cards to my favorite entertainers.

I missed Anne McCaffrey, and now Robin Williams. We always think we have more time for things like this. We don’t, really, and I’m sad not just for Robin and his family, but also myself, for this lost opportunity.

So Good-bye, Robin – I hope you are finally at piece, and know just how much you meant to us all.

-boogieshoes, sad
boogieshoes: (Default)
So recently, I’ve been doing the OCD-research thing, because, well, I’ve been hurting, physically. Not severe, can’t-stand-up pain, but a lot of muscle and joint soreness, fatigue, and the headaches which are generally constant background noise for me were being a bit more distracting than usual. I had just about decided I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia when I ran across a symptom checker that allowed me to put in all the symptoms at once. Guess what popped up?

boogie )

-bs, grousing
boogieshoes: (Default)
introduction to a rant )

So in the form of a list:

listy! )


Talking to me is actually fairly easy if you remember the following things:

talking to me is kind of like talking to most people. except not. )

In summary, I am who I am, and don’t need to change for you or anyone else to be fine just as I am. Can we have a different conversation, now?


-boogieshoes, the proud, independent, strong, working professional

footnotes )
boogieshoes: (fresian)
i'm back i'm back i'm back!!!  *hugs her flist so hard*

i had computer trouble the last week and a half - not horrible trouble, but trouble that required going to a shop and waiting for a part to be put in.  and the part ended up back-ordered.  and i realized how addicted i was to the lappy - every 30min i was thinking 'i gotta tell...' , 'i gotta ask...', 'i should google...'

it was *hard*!

i also discovered i dropped too pants sizes thanks to a wardrobe malfunction last wednesday. (zipper broke on work slacks, and they were old enough i just pitched 'em.)  anyway, i went from a size 24 to a size 20.  i'm still kind of plush at near-250lbs, but it's very encouraging to officially lose clothing sizes. :)

i also come back bearing gifts!  i got my ranty-pants on over the break, and will probably post that some time tomorrow, and i shall probably finish the post on visiting Grandpa this weekend and post that.  that last post is a year past due, oops.

i see that lj has changed it's posting interface, too.  eesh.  they keep coming up with these changes, and really ought to *keep it the same* thank you very much. i shall be wrestling with this tomorrow, i suppose...

-bs, in the midst of fandom squee, yet again
boogieshoes: (fresian)
i apologize for not posting before this, given the recent heavy rains and flooding... and road washouts and tornadoes and more road washouts and... stuff in my area, but i didn't realize until today just how bad it had been in nearby Florida and upper 'Bama.  suffice it to say, there were some spectacular storms over my house, but house, self, roomie, and both dogs are fine.  Pennsacola Scenic Highway is not - and right now i'm rather glad i don't live on the east side of the bay!

-bs, pretty sure she doesn't come with scales yet.... *pretty* sure...
boogieshoes: (fresian)

monday last week, i had to renew some prescriptions, and while i was heading to target, i finally got tired of my audiobooks, and decided to buy some CDs of some classics.  the conversation at the pharmacy counter went like this:

many many youtube links behind here )
boogieshoes: (fresian)
... now all i need is a walrus.

i'm at a weird cycle at work lately, where it's 'rush, rush, rush, fall off the cliff of *nothing to do*'.  this makes things... interesting in a brain level.  today, after lunch, i was left with about two hours of 'oh, crap, i finished everything i know to do, and there's no one to ask for a one-off.'  so i started to write up the documentation that i'll use when i submit my stumpwork project.  stumpwork is a form of raised embroidery that's much easier to show than explain: http://tinyurl.com/la4nrx7

i'm submitting this to an SCA Arts and Sciences event/ viewing/ whatever, probably around Christmas Revel, because i'm not sure i'm going to be able to go to anything else.  so of course, i'm using SCA documentation guidelines, and i'm trying to figure out how chatty cathy i need to be to explain some things.  like why i'm using stuff suited to counted embroidery... because nearly every single SCA needleworker i've seen down here does free-hand embroidery and if you've ever seen the patterns for that kind of stuff, they're kind of... lacking to someone used to a cross-stitch kit.  lacking like 'how do you even know what to do?!'  the guys who just make it up as they go along both fascinate me (because i'm not the sort of person who *can* do that), and frustrate me (because i'm not the sort of person who can even think of working like that.  my patterns have patterns, ok?).

furthermore, when discussing materials used, it's a solid fact that listing materials *not* used in period is more practical.  it goes something like: room-temperature pure mercury... but only because it kept running away.  so listing the materials i used, i feel like i need to explain why i chose such obviously modern things... and it's like 'trust me, the would have used it if they could.'  the primary difference between the materials i'm using and the ones from period are that Polly and Esther got together and had a baby.

What *really* cracks me up is that they ask people *not* to submit stuff that comes in a kit.  But for stumpwork, it's perfectly period to *have* a kit - kits were sold by door-to-door saleswomen, and included everything you needed to finish the piece, including instructions and patterns, and a picture of what it was supposed to look like when done.  Many stumpwork pieces of the day were based on popular paintings of the time.

i also feel an insane urge to explain why my first piece isn't a flower and fruit arrangement, which seams to have been all the rage, both then and now.  i'm not sure what the attraction to stitching flowers is, but i really wanted to do something more likely to keep my interest.  so i chose Celtic Knotwork, and an easy pattern at that, because i might have to re-do it, you know. and also, because the guidelines said 'no kits', i know i'm going to have to come up with my own assembly instructions, and i wanted something relatively easy to work with, and that i knew i could adapt to my needs, both in terms of the stitching, and the necessary elements i'll have to cut out. and frankly, i find flower studies kind of boring.

this is not the only time i'll have to face the 'boring' demon, though.  a large part of stumpwork is the padded figures.  if you took a good scroll through that URL up there, you'll notice that an awful lot of those figures are... people.  and you know, i don't even really like to look at people in the face - it's they eye-contact thing.  it always feels like a blow to me - gazes have *weight* behind them.  and i honestly hate looking people in the eyes because it kinda feels like they're slapping me.  it's a crazy, almost-physical feeling that makes no sense at all, even to me, but it does mean that i categorically hate family pictures.  there's something indefinably awful about people who love you smacking you around every time you look at them.  and *stitching* faces and eyes is just... CREEPY.  i'd rather stitch a chupacabra disemboweling a goat than stitch a human figure facing the 'camera'.  hell, i'd rather be the goat!

i suppose i'll have to do at least one human figure to prove mastery of the genre, so to speak, but while eventually i'd like to do a lot more than an upraised Celtic Knot and a wirework butterfly, i suspect most of my padded figures will be animals.  they better be ok with that!

-bs, noodling on SCA stuff
boogieshoes: (fresian)
i just brought a manual pencil sharpener into the bathroom, because i was too lazy to bring the pencil *out* of the bathroom, where i've been using it to do word seek & finds during my, uh, constitutional.  because i have to have my hands busy.  and then, when i finished sharpening it - during the constitutional, mind - i finished the word seek i was working on...

i really am a nerd, aren't?
*looks sheepish*

-bs
boogieshoes: (fresian)
so, we're expecting ice and sleet and snow in the local environs tomorrow and the day after, and i live in a place where any souther is just *water*.  usually pretty warm water at that.  at any rate, i am off work tomorrow, and possibly Wednesday (higher probability of a delayed start, but possibly all day, depending on just how bad it is).

like most of the northern transplants in the area, i'm not so worried about driving on snow and ice as i'm about the *southerners* driving on snow and ice.  this makes me dubious about going to work Wed whether we're supposed to or not.  it's not really a criticism, just an observation: you wouldn't want a city slicker off-roading in a muddy wallow because they don't really know what they're doing.  experience counts.

the city is warning that there might be power outages.  we'll be fine, in part because i buy bedding like other girls buy dresses.

i am, however, having visions of the dog looking at me and going 'i *am* not going potty out there, are you *nuts*?!'

the real thing with this funky weather is that i've got the garden all ready to go - and i'm waiting for the weather to warm up enough to grow things!  this is an area where it's recommended to get tomatoes in the ground by the first week of Jan.... yeah, not this year!

i will probably be cooking, though - a roasted cauliflour dish i need to take to an SCA event this weekend, and the cookies.  yum, cookies!

-bs, anticipating the cold....
boogieshoes: (fresian)
1) i had a routine doctor's appt today - grand total of 18lbs less than last year at this time.  it would have been more, but my attempt to re-start the LCHF diet stutter-started.  this is mostly because i went to the podiatrist about a heel thing, and was given prednisone to be followed by indomethacin, neither of which i could take with any other painkillers, like advil - so i immediately started my period.  ok, trying to LCHF during period cramps which i could not relieve with midol while experiencing horrible headaches probably due to said indomethacin.... yeah, not happening.  also, anecdotally, and a side effect probably not particularly usual - the indomethacin combined with vitamin B pills made me dizzy.  not unbearably so, but noticeably enough that i went home sick the first day because i couldn't concentrate.  this was probably a 1 in a million reaction, but for those of you on indomethacin, keep a weather eye out.

2) i love my doggie, but when i look at my queen sized bed - which is 5ftx6ft = 30sqft - and realize i'm squeezed into the 6in on the edge of the bed, and she's refusing to move, laying cross-ways on the bed, and only taking up about 7sq ft, i have to whimper.  because there's 20 sq ft of comfortable bed no one is accessing, that can't be accessed because of the way the dog is laying, i have to say Miss Code Knows is extremely lucky she's cute when she snores. *grin*

3) no, i haven't gotten to that last batch of cookies - see the indomethacin headaches.  and also, last weekend was a perfect weekend to prep the garden for planting.  which i did, so now there are 4 2ftx2ft boxes out there full of dirt, and also an easy-grow square bag and two potato 'tubs' of the same green vynel full of dirt just waiting to be planted.   and it's off and on sleeting out there.  in coastal alabama.  because of global warming....

4) ok, i ran out of things to say - but abbie hasn't stopped whapping me with her tail.... ah, life....

-bs
boogieshoes: (fresian)
For 2013, the To-Do List is now filled with some House-related items, which is fun.  Mostly.  When it’s not yet another learning experience. *grins*

House-hold doings this year )



Green Bein's )


Lady Brigid the lacksadaisical )



Stitching Monster Me )



Fandom Activity )



Life like a Mentos Commercial )



Wishlist )


-bs, the busy, the greedy, the just darned cool ;-)
boogieshoes: (fresian)
For those of you who are interested, I was called into Jury Duty this week. the experience is under the cut )

If you ever get called up, do bring a book.  But I was actually pretty glad I went, and I learned a lot.

-boogieshoes, proud of doing her civic duty

boogieshoes: (fresian)
so if i ever needed solid proof that i have a view of the st louis area colored by my childhood baggage, it's my current field trip for work.  i'm outside of Kansas City, KS, which in climate, culture, and ecology is really close to the St Louis area and surrounding counties.  and as i look out my hotel window - it's colorful.  dark colors, because i'm writing this at night-time, but *color*.  purples, blues, reds and whites of car lights.  today's daylight hours were bright and sunny and beautiful, with a bit of a nip in the air to signify fall.

when i go to st louis and madison county in Illinois - the place that's the closest i've got to 'home', a place i really can't say enough good things about - things look grayer, washed out somehow.  i'm fairly convinced this is psychosomatic on my part - my childhood being so unpleasant that even the scenery takes on my baggage.  which is not to say i've had the worst childhood ever, but the memories are not good.  and it's weird how when you go 'home', where-ever home is, you become that child all over again.  and despite the fact that i love my parents, my nieces and nephews, and even my brother, there's a reason i don't like going 'home'.  'home' wasn't fun.  the lakehouse, where i'm also an adult (and feel like one! hah!), going to visit the grandparents, my own house, even though it be in the Deep Utterly-Smotheringly-Humid South, is fun.  i'd much rather see my family in those places, than the depressing place of 'home'.

and i'm ok with that.  it's a fact of my life that most people won't get, but it's a fact i can live with and work with, and that's pretty good.

until i do something like take the dungeons 'n' dragons 'what kind of character are you?' quiz, which has questions like '106. If you were injured and required immediate assistance, would members of your home town agree to help?'

uh... since i live 600 miles away from my 'home town', i wouldn't expect anybody to!  it gets more complicated from there.  i loved the test, but situations like trying to answer that question make me want to bang my head agaisnt the wall, heh.

next week, i'll be on vacation from work, and i intend write a few lj posts that i've had hanging over my head:  a post on house progress, one on the trip to oregon to see grandpa, one for the truck, etc...

i'll be keeping up with lj, but may not be very talky this week.

-bs, the busy

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