boogieshoes: (fresian)
[personal profile] boogieshoes
i've been having a rough time lately, and the depression-devil on my shoulder has been especially loud.

I always hear the worst. 'Let's simplify it' means 'It completely sucks and is useless'.

"It's a 3-day drive" means "you aren't worth my concern"

"We didn't even know you left site" means "Despite the fact that you were packing in plain sight, too sick to stand at one point, and drove off with your truck, you're not important enough for us to pay attention to. And you made us do extra work, so now we hate you."

"Buck up" means "you're just whining, you don't have any real troubles, so what are you complaining about?"

"You got yourself into this…" means "you're too worthless to help, even when you've asked."

"you know you shouldn't take the permanent way out" means "you deserve to suffer every bit that you do. You don’t suffer enough, and you’re so ungrateful about it."

Even with the dog

She turns her butt to me, and she's *saying* "you're my mother and I trust you", but I *hear* "there's more interesting stuff over here. You're not worth my time."

I’ve been so… dragged out and mentally exhausted lately. And I know a good part of what I’m feeling is the depression taking advantage of my lack of energy, because i've been physically sick for a month and am just now getting over it.

But it feels like every time I try to reach out for help, I’ve been getting slapped back, lately. It’s beginning to make me wonder why I reach out to other people at all.

And to be fair, I should probably be more explicit – I feel like I’m drowning here, and I need help, and all my support system lives in Timbuktoo! And also to be fair, I’ve got a lovely online friend who’s doing and saying exactly the right things right now, and it helps a lot….

But guess what I’m *hearing*? Because depression sucks.
*FUCK* depression.

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