boogieshoes: (fresian)
[personal profile] boogieshoes
i've been having a rough time lately, and the depression-devil on my shoulder has been especially loud.

I always hear the worst. 'Let's simplify it' means 'It completely sucks and is useless'.



"It's a 3-day drive" means "you aren't worth my concern"



"We didn't even know you left site" means "Despite the fact that you were packing in plain sight, too sick to stand at one point, and drove off with your truck, you're not important enough for us to pay attention to. And you made us do extra work, so now we hate you."



"Buck up" means "you're just whining, you don't have any real troubles, so what are you complaining about?"



"You got yourself into this…" means "you're too worthless to help, even when you've asked."



"you know you shouldn't take the permanent way out" means "you deserve to suffer every bit that you do. You don’t suffer enough, and you’re so ungrateful about it."



Even with the dog

She turns her butt to me, and she's *saying* "you're my mother and I trust you", but I *hear* "there's more interesting stuff over here. You're not worth my time."



I’ve been so… dragged out and mentally exhausted lately. And I know a good part of what I’m feeling is the depression taking advantage of my lack of energy, because i've been physically sick for a month and am just now getting over it.

But it feels like every time I try to reach out for help, I’ve been getting slapped back, lately. It’s beginning to make me wonder why I reach out to other people at all.

And to be fair, I should probably be more explicit – I feel like I’m drowning here, and I need help, and all my support system lives in Timbuktoo! And also to be fair, I’ve got a lovely online friend who’s doing and saying exactly the right things right now, and it helps a lot….



But guess what I’m *hearing*? Because depression sucks.
*FUCK* depression.

-boogieshoes

Date: 2016-04-20 02:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] polly-b.livejournal.com
Sending you internet hugs. Wish I could do more. If I could wave a magic wand and get rid of depression for you - and everyone, for that matter - I would.

Date: 2016-04-21 01:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] boogieshoes.livejournal.com
thank you. :) i wish that magic wand worked. i feel better today. since not quite back up the hill to 'normal' (or at least, my normal) but getting there.

-boogie

Date: 2016-04-20 04:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xander-opal.livejournal.com
*hugs*
*more hugs*
*lots of listening, no judging*
*did I mention hugs? Dragon-sized at that.*

Date: 2016-04-21 01:51 am (UTC)

Date: 2016-04-20 05:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bugeyedmonster.livejournal.com
Depression needs to fuck itself. It needs to go jump off a cliff and quit bugging you.

Sorry to hear you're having trouble with depression again. Wishing I could send you some magical anti-depression fairy dust or such. Hugs.

Date: 2016-04-21 01:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] boogieshoes.livejournal.com
this episode scared me. i think being able to identify a cause - being so dragged out because i'd been physically sick for so long - really helped. so did being able to air things here. i'm feeling better. i got a card from a co-worker today - sort of a get well card - because i'd shared with her that i was having a bit of an emotionally rough time - and that was awesome!

*hugs*

-boogie

Date: 2016-04-20 08:59 am (UTC)
hardboiledbaby: (hugs kisses)
From: [personal profile] hardboiledbaby
I'm so sorry, bb. Depression is a lying liar that lies, but it's a fucking loud liar *hugs*

Date: 2016-04-21 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] boogieshoes.livejournal.com
*hugs* thank you. i'm feeling a bunch better today.

you're right about depression. i think we all need to get together and make that anti-depression fairy dust or wand... and the 'magic' is making louder, more insistent positive noise than that no-account depression devil. jack-ass devil is such a lying asshole. :-p

*hugs again*

-boogie

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